Making friends in a foreign country is tough, and making friends as a working adult is tough. If you’re a working adult living in a foreign country, having a social life can seem downright impossible!
Japan is a lovely country with millions of foreign residents, but many of them struggle to build meaningful, long-term friendships. I know, because I was one of them.
When I first moved to Japan in the summer of 2015, I lived in Shimane Prefecture. On top of being one of the least-populated areas in the country, it was a place where I knew absolutely no one. I was aware I would need to put myself out there and go out of my way to meet people, but it was difficult, especially as an introvert.
Thankfully, I did manage to integrate into the local community and make friends. This was a gradual process involving a lot of trial and error, along with plenty of failures. In the end, however, my efforts did pay off, and I learned quite a bit in the process.
Then, a few years later, I moved to Tokyo to start a new job, and had to use everything I’d learned to make new friends. A few years later, I transferred to Kyoto and did the whole thing again!
The good news is that after all these moves, I’ve gotten a feel for what is effective and what isn’t. Here are all the things I tried, what I learned, and what I’d personally suggest, including:
- Making friends at work
- Hobbies, clubs, and classes
- Local events and meetups
- Share houses
- Advice for introverts
- Thoughts on learning Japanese
- International communities
Making friends at your workplace
Sometimes it just won’t work
My first job was at a local city hall which, for better or worse, had a fairly traditional work environment. Rules were rigid, and most people focused on their work without much time for casual chitchat. It wasn’t bad by any means. Everyone was nice and treated me well for the most part.
However, I was by far the youngest person in my department, with everyone else being at least 20 to 30 years older than me. As a new grad who’d moved to Japan to chase my dreams and be independent, I was on a completely different wavelength from my coworkers, who were settled down and concerned mostly with their work and families.
This was no one’s fault, but due to the mismatch I had no luck making any friends with whom I could casually hang out with in the evenings or on weekends. After realizing that the office wasn’t the right place to look, I started searching for opportunities outside of work, which I’ll expand on later in this article.
When you can make friends at work
This was the case during my time at Mercari, where I started working after three years in Shimane. My new work environment was the exact opposite of my last one in every way possible.
Since Mercari is a tech company inspired by Silicon Valley culture, everything was super casual. Most of my teammates were in their 20s or 30s, came from all over the world, and were quite outgoing. The company had a strong team-building culture and gave us ample opportunities to hang out with our coworkers. There were frequent lunches, parties, and club activities (部活, bukatsu).
Company clubs
Clubs are a very big part of school life in Japan, but they’re also quite common in large Japanese companies, Mercari being no exception. Although not nearly as serious and high-commitment as school clubs, these clubs were an amazing way to get to know other people in the company while enjoying our hobbies or favorite food. There were all sorts of clubs ranging from sports to music to pizza enthusiasts.
However, at Mercari a lot of the clubs were inactive. Some clubs technically had plenty of members, but no one was initiating or planning actual activities.
I decided, why not be the one to do it? It wasn’t particularly hard. I just had to think of a specific activity and date, make a post on the company Slack announcing it, and have people gather on the day of the event.
To give a silly example, the first activity I planned was for a “Snoopy Club.” I announced, “Let’s go to the Snoopy Museum in Tokyo after work!” on a public Slack channel, and five coworkers said they were interested. So we got the tickets, went to the Snoopy Museum together, and had a great time. It was as simple as that!
I later tried starting other activities like movie nights, pizza parties, and gaming sessions. Running these events was fun, and as a bonus, a lot of people told me they really appreciated it. I also got to meet people from all over the company, not just my own team. It was a relatively low-effort, high-reward way to make friends.
Too much of a good thing?
I have no doubt that making friends at work was amazing for my wellbeing. Going to the office became something to look forward to. Whether or not I was excited about work itself, I was almost always happy to arrive and see my friends there.
At the same time, work friends can come with a downside. I ended up in a situation opposite to what I’d had in Shimane: almost all of my friends in Tokyo were from work. I didn’t have any boundaries between work and my personal life. During the daytime, I’d be at the office with coworkers, and when I had plans in the evenings or weekends, I’d be with those same coworkers.
That’s not necessarily a negative, but there were times it felt a bit suffocating, because when you gather with friends from work, you tend to talk about . . . work. While talking about work in healthy doses is totally fine, there were definitely moments when I found myself thinking, “Please, not this conversation again . . .” or “Could we talk about anything but work right now?”
That being said, making friends at work was one of the best things I did for myself. They brought so much joy into my day-to-day life, and I still have wonderful memories of my time at that company.
At the same time, I’d recommend diversifying your social life and meeting people outside of work too. One of the best places to do so is by joining other hobbies, clubs, and classes in your community.
Hobbies, clubs, and classes
Activity groups and classes aren’t just for students! These are valuable yet often neglected ways to make friends. There are a lot of group activities for adults in Japan, and they’re sometimes called “[interest] circles” (サークル, sa-kuru).
Team sports
Sports are an amazing way to bond with people, and Japan has no shortage of sports groups for working adults.
You might even end up overwhelmed by the number of choices available. Don’t overthink it too much—just pick one and check it out. Many groups are casual and don’t require any commitments, so if you attend one meeting and realize it’s not a good fit, you can always try again somewhere else.
Back when I was in Shimane, I realized a few months in that I wasn’t going to be making any close friends at work. I started looking online to see if I could find any groups in my city.
I searched for “(city name) + サークル” and found several results. One of them was a website called “My Place” (まいぷれ, maipure) which had tons of listings for local activities. On that site, I found a local volleyball group that met up every Thursday evening.
Note that at this point in time, I was extremely unathletic and had no experience with sports. I chose this group because they mentioned that they were casual and beginner-friendly.
I reached out and they invited me to join their next gathering. Just as they’d said, it was super easygoing, and most of the members had no formal volleyball experience. We didn’t even keep score, and barely played by the rules most of the time. The prevailing attitude was, “Let’s gather after work and just have some fun,” which was exactly what I was looking for.
Each gathering had around 10 to 15 members attending, all of whom were locals ranging from ages 20 to 40. Although I had superficial interactions with most of them, I did become good friends with two other members, and we occasionally hung out on our own outside of the meetings. Sometimes we’d spontaneously go to the local arcade or grab some late-night ramen.
Later on, I tried branching out to another group. I did a quick search on Google, found a futsal group labelled “all levels welcome,” and decided to try it out. As you’ve probably guessed, I had zero futsal experience.
This one didn’t go quite as planned because everyone was actually experienced and went at it hard. I was welcome to join the games, but it was only a matter of minutes before I was face down on the floor, completely out of breath.
Everyone was friendly, but the group itself wasn’t a good fit. Fair enough—I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t given it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, you can always try again! And I did try again several years later, with excellent results.
Other kinds of activities
When I moved to Kyoto in 2021, I decided to look for a band group, because I played the bass guitar and wanted to find other musicians to connect with. Once again, I simply searched for “Kyoto band group” on Google. I found the social media account of a music group that was holding a small acoustic event soon, and messaged them to ask if I could join. They kindly said yes!
At the event, I found several other members who had similar taste in music to me. The group encouraged us to meet other musicians and form bands, practice together for a few months, and perform, so that’s exactly what we did. We started gathering at a music studio every two weeks to practice, and stuck around to hang out or grab dinner and drinks afterwards. Although none of us were pros by any means, we managed to do a live performance as well.
Taking classes
Tech in particular offers plenty of options for ongoing education. For example, in 2020 I joined the coding bootcamp Le Wagon, where I attended classes for six months with around 20 other classmates.
It was an incredible experience, not just because of the skills I learned, but also because of the people I met. Many of us still stay in touch years later. Two of my classmates started a long-term relationship, and one participant was a CEO who hired some of his classmates and still works with them today. So many valuable connections were made in the short span of a few months, that I consider it well worth the cost.
Remember, us working adults have every right to learn new things and enjoy group activities, just as much as students do!
Local events and meetups
When living in Shimane, I discovered a small hostel that regularly ran events in their lounge. These ranged from casual potluck dinners and “international food” events to more focused activities like English and Japanese language exchanges.
Although the venue was technically a hostel, most participants were actually locals who lived nearby. Many attended regularly and quickly became familiar faces. I found the meetings quite cozy, family-friendly, and comfortable, even as an introvert.
Eventually I started to volunteer at the events. I later tried planning and running my own meet-ups, including a hamburger BBQ night and a pizza party. I found that being involved in community-building was incredibly rewarding, and even more enjoyable than being just a guest.
This hostel was a hidden gem, but I only discovered it a whole year after arriving in Shimane. I believe most towns in Japan have similar community spaces, though they can be tricky to find. They could be hostels, sometimes also referred to as “guest houses.” They could also be cafes, people’s homes, or community centers. These kinds of spaces are usually run by friendly people who care about nurturing their local community.
Meetups
After I moved to Tokyo, I tried using it to meet people outside of work. I went to a few “International Exchange” events, hoping they would be like the gatherings I attended in Shimane.
Unfortunately, they weren’t quite what I had hoped for. The events I joined felt too crowded and not very personal. A lot of participants were short-term tourists—perfectly friendly, but difficult to pursue long-term friendships with.
I only tried attending a few meetups and didn’t have much luck, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. Meetup.com has an astounding number of groups and events, so it’s likely that you’ll find something that clicks if you give it enough tries.
Share houses
Living with roommates isn’t as common in Japan as in other countries, and most people either live alone or with their families. However, share houses have emerged as an alternative housing option, offering cheaper rooms, flexible contracts, and the potential to make friends.
They’re definitely not for everyone, but if you’re someone who has lived with roommates before and enjoyed the experience, I think it’s absolutely worthwhile. It’s especially beneficial if you’ve just moved to Japan, don’t have a ton of stuff with you, and are looking to make new connections.
I’ve lived in several different share houses in Japan. There were ups and downs, but I’m very glad I got to experience this lifestyle.
The first house (too big)
When I moved to Tokyo, I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have any preference on where to live, so I decided to join a share house near my office. It was an enormous house with over 70 residents, and I figured it would be an easy way to make friends.
That didn’t go as planned—I made exactly zero friends during the year I lived there. Ironically, the house was too big, and interactions felt shallow and impersonal. People frequently moved in and out, so I felt like I was constantly surrounded by strangers. Although the house had very nice communal areas like a lounge and kitchen, they were almost always empty. There was simply no community feeling at all, which was very disappointing considering I went in with high expectations, so I moved out.
Second and third houses (less is more)
I felt a bit jaded after my first experience, but decided to give communal living another try, and moved into a smaller share house in a different part of Tokyo.
This house had about 10 residents, and turned out to be wonderful. Because of the smaller number of people, I quickly got to know everyone and befriend several housemates. We often had spontaneous gatherings in the shared living room, where we played games, watched silly videos, and ate pizza together.
We were also fortunate that the manager of the house was extremely kind and attentive. She frequently dropped by to make sure everything was clean and that everyone was comfortable. Whenever a new resident moved in, she would let us know beforehand and encourage us to make them feel welcome.
I enjoyed it so much that when I later moved to Kyoto, I decided to live in yet another share house, and this one was a dream come true. Like the previous house, this one had a small, comfortable number of residents, along with incredibly caring management. I made some of the best friends of my life there and keep in touch with them to this day. On top of that, I got to live in one of the best neighborhoods in Kyoto for under 50,000 yen per month, which was criminally cheap for the quality of life I enjoyed.
What if I’m an introvert?
As an introvert myself, I often find that meeting new people, especially in large groups, can be both nerve-wracking and draining. I’ve been to events that dragged on endlessly, and often reached the point where my social battery was completely depleted.
To state the obvious, it’s important to listen to your body and brain, and give yourself a break when you need it. At the same time, it’s equally important to put yourself out there when you have the energy. When you do find the right community or social circle, it’ll become an irreplaceable source of enjoyment and social support.
I mentioned before that helping organize events is a great idea. I say that not only because it’s fun and rewarding, but because ironically, I’ve found that running events is easier than just being a guest.
What if I don’t speak Japanese?
Of course, making friends in Japan is way easier if you speak Japanese. But I also want to emphasize that you don’t need to be fluent to start building friendships.
Although I now speak Japanese comfortably, some of my closest friendships were formed when my language skills were still quite rough. I made lots of mistakes and constantly had to ask people to repeat themselves. But they were patient and encouraging, and thanks to their help my Japanese improved faster in six months of social interaction than it had in years of textbook study.
Software developers don’t become great developers by reading textbooks for years—they do so by actually building stuff, getting their hands dirty, making mistakes, and learning from them. Languages are the same. You’ll never feel 100 percent ready, but you just need to get out there and try talking to people. You’ll make mistakes, and that’s absolutely okay. You’ll learn twice as fast that way, and the rewards will be worth the effort.
What about international resident communities?
These kinds of communities can be wonderful for social support—just keep in mind a few caveats. Many people are in Japan temporarily and may leave after one or two years. If you’re active in this community, you’ll probably notice that every single year brings in a bunch of new faces, coupled with an equal number of goodbyes. If you’re hoping for long-lasting friendships, this could wear you down after a few cycles.
It’s also easy to get too comfortable in the “international bubble.” Many people live in Japan for years, hang out almost exclusively with other foreigners, and end up never improving their Japanese or making local friends. That is a personal choice and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it does mean you will miss out on certain aspects of Japanese life. Whether you consider that important or not is up to you.
Personally, I would wholeheartedly recommend staying in touch with your international friends while also making the effort to branch out and meet Japanese people. With friends who are long-term residents, you won’t have to say goodbye every year. You’ll feel like you actually belong, rather than forever feeling like a guest in this country.
I personally haven’t found any downsides to integrating into Japanese society. It’s possible that, depending on how attached you are to your home country, you might start to wonder where home actually is. You might start feeling a bit out of place when you visit the country where you grew up, or you might stop feeling the desire to visit at all. You may even begin to question your own identity.
I don’t really see those as negative effects, though. Those are just signs that you’ve truly become a global citizen. If you think about it differently, having multiple countries that you can call “home” is quite a blessing!
My final advice
If you’re living in Japan and feeling isolated, I’d encourage you to take action starting today. Pick one thing from this article and give it a try! Find a local event to attend, reach out to a club or two, or sign up for a class on something you’ve always wanted to learn.
It took me a few tries before I found close friends, but every small action I took was worth it. If this introverted foreigner can build a social life in Japan, so can you!
